<> You ye bastard ye barred
Barred?
I haven’t been in here for fucking years
How the fuck can I be barred?
<> Ye just barred
Get out
Are you part of the management?
<> No
Well you can fuck off
It’s got nothing to do with you
Get fucked
<> You fucking what?
You what?
You what?
You what, you what, you what?
You fucking heard
<>
<> What’s going on here
Are you the manager?
<> Yes
Well that bastard over there claims I’m barred and the last
time I was in here was in the 80s.
<> Ye not barred mate, look mate come here, listen to
this, ye not barred but them bastards over there are forever causing
trouble. I’ll serve you but you had
better watch out for them.
Fuck them mate they don’t scare me. Tell you what I’ll have a pint of John
Smiths and will you do me a favour?
<> What?
Put an unopened bottle of lager on the counter behind me
when I turn round to speak to them after I get served.
<> Can you handle it?
Old soldier, British Army mate, them wankers don’t frighten
me.
There’s a tenner
Can I get you one?
<> No thanks I’m OK
Can I ask you a question?
<> What is it?
Am I the first customer they have tried to bar or have they
done it to others?
<> They do it all the time, they think they own the
fucking place, I’m not scarred of them as individuals but there is too many of
them for me to handle.
Can I ask if you know their politics?
<> Fucking fascist the fucking lot of them
From Germany?
<> You know?
Guessed
<> I know you
Do you mean you know of me?
<> Well yeah, I know of you, ye called Geordie
Gardiner
Have you heard good reports or bad?
<> Good, they say you don’t have much time for
fascists?
You heard right. How many are there of them, are most of
them in tonight or are some of them at home sucking sausages, the square headed
bastards?
<> Ha, ha, ha, most of them are in.
Who are the dangerous ones?
<> The bastard who told you to get out, one by the
right-hand partition as you would look at him.
To my left as I am standing here?
<> Yeah and one by the left-hand partition as you
would look at him and one other bastard that is yet to arrive.
Expected soon is he?
<> He should be in soon
There’s the bottle of larger
On the house
Cheers, let’s see what the bastards have to say when I
turned round
<>
<> I told that bastard he was barred
<> Manager:
You cannot bar my customers
<> You watch, before the end of the night he will not
want to come back in here again
Shut ye fucking mouth
Gob all
Fucking pimmelkoft
<> Who are you calling cockhead?
Are you deaf wanker
I did not call you cockhead
I called you pimmelkoft
<> Other customer: What does pimmelkoft mean?
It means cockhead
<> Other customers:
HA, HA, HA
HA, HA, HA
<> I’ll kill you ye bastard
In ye dreams wanker
<> I’ll blow ye head off
Ye couldn’t blow ye fucking nose
<> Is that right
What about this then?
Loaded is it?
<> Would you like to find out
And you fat bastard what’s it got to do with you
<> Who?
That fat bastard in the corner
<> Where?
There
<> The Fascists Friend:
Watch it he’s got a bottle
Blam
Fuck me where is this beer from
It must be from Australia
Let’s have a look at the label
Bounced off his fucking head and returned like a fucking
boomerang
<> Other customers:
HA, HA, HA
HA, HA, HA
Touch that fucking gun mate and I’ll break you fucking
fingers
<> Fuck off
Ahhhhhhhhhhh
<> The Manger:
Geordie, Geordie he’s pulling a gun to you right
Buff
Fuck you bastard
<> Manger:
Geordie, Geordie to ye left
Buff
Fuck you shit for brains
<> You fucking bastard I’ll fucking kill you
Is that right bastard?
I’ve got the drop
Wanker
Fancy pulling the gun
<> Do you know who I am?
Some fucking wanker by the looks
Threatens to kill someone
With a gun by his side
When I have the drop
One false move bastard and I’ll pug you between the eyes
<> You wouldn’t dare
I’ll fucking kill you
Buff
Don’t dare someone who always dares
Now wankers any more for any more
<> You cannot do this
You cannot do this
Fucking German sausage sucking fascist bastards don’t
understand English, what do you mean I cannot do it?
I’ve fucking done it.
Manager need a mobile
Phone 999
And pass it here
<> You fucking grass
Fucking idiot. Think you can just walk away from three dead
bodies in a bar ye just plugged in the head. Fucking wanking
<> Geordie here’s the phone
<> Do require the police, fire service or ambulance.
Listen up, this is Geordie Gardiner, the coppers know me,
I’m in the Shoulder of Mutton in Shiney Row, I want a police officer down here
to speak to, not a fucking constable, an officer. I’ve just shot three bastards in the pub. Everything is under control, the coppers
know I’m no trouble to them; tell them to come along here fucking sharpish.
<>
<> What happened, what happened Geordie.
Ah hello Sir, I’ll hand over the gun if you want but as you
know I can handle it and there might be other bastards in the bar with guns.
<> Other customer:
What do you call him sir for?
Courtesy
I’m an old soldier
British Army
When you salute a officer in the British Army you do not
salute the person, you salute the Crown, the Queens Commission, this gentleman
is also an officer, same, same, now fucking shut up.
<> What has been going on Geordie?
First of all Sir, get one of those coppers to get that gun
next to that bastard.
And keep ye finger off the trigger, put ye finger on the
trigger guard.
<> Where do you want me to put it?
Put it on the end of the bar for now
You bastards stand further up the bar
Where to start
<> Chief Constable:
At the beginning
Ha, ha, ha, once upon a time
Well I walked into this fucking place and that bastard that
is knocked out told me I was barred and I haven’t been in this fucking place
since the early 80s. I had a word with
the manager and he said I was not barred.
I got a drink turned round and after a little argy-bargy the bastard
pulled a gun, I distracted him and picked a bottle up from the bar and flung it
at him and it struck him between the eyes.
He dropped the gun and this wanker tried to pick it up, I stamped on his
fingers and got the gun.
Manger!
<> What is it Geordie?
Rewind the security footage; let the Chief Constable see the
footage as I explain, as I am picking up the gun, someone warned me that this
bastard was pulling a gun. There ye go,
it is on the screen and so I had no option but to plug the bastard.
<> The Fascists Friend:
You killed him
Fucking too right I did
Think I should have just let that bastard shoot me
<> The Fascists Friend:
We want him arrested
Stupid fucker
It was self-defence
This is fucking England mate
You should not be sitting in fucking pubs with loaded guns
<> Chief Constable:
Then what happened Geordie?
Manager rewind that bastard back a bit
<> The Fascists Friend:
We want him arrested
Shut ye fucking gob ye stupid German fascist bastard or I
will put ye fucking teeth out.
Now after I shot the first bastard someone shouted a warning
about that fucker in the corner, there ye go, you can see the bastard is
pulling a gun, so I shot the bastard in the head.
<> Fascist after waking:
I’ll fucking kill you
The wanker awakes
<> Fascist after waking:
I’ll fucking kill you
<> The Fascists Friend:
We want him arrested
That’s the bastard who wants to be arrested, threatening to
kill and armed to do so with a loaded Browning pistol that he pulls out in a
pub and it is on security footage to fucking prove it.
<> The Fascists Friend:
You’re a grass
A fucking grass ye wanker?
You’re the fucking grass wanker who is keeps saying, we want
him arrested
<> The Fascists Friend:
We do, we want him arrested
You fuck faced fascist bastard so help me if ye don’t shut
ye trap I’ll pull ye fucking head off. Now shut it.
<> The Fascists Friend:
We want him arrested
Fuck me I am going to have to unload this weapon
Magazine off
In pocket
Click
Round
In pocket
Click, click
Chamber empty
Clear Sir
<> Chief Constable:
Clear
Click
Weapon on bar
Round out of pocket
Magazine
Round in magazine
Magazine into pistol grip
There now
All done.
<> The Fascists Friend:
We want him arrested
Splat
<> The Fascists Friend:
Ahhhhhhhh
There ye go, a nice gap where ye front teeth where, now ye
can suck sausages much easier.
<> Other customers:
HA, HA, HA
HA, HA, HA
Now where were we, right OK, I shot that bastard to the left
and as you can see on the screen Sir, I back up towards the bar to cover these
bastards in case there were any more guns. Can you stop it there?
Right bastards who else has got a gun?
Click, Click
It’s loaded boys
And I
As you now know
Can use it
<> Silence
Your guns bastards
Get them out slowly from left to right
You bastard in corner
Have you got a gun?
<> No
Now then if you claim you do not have a gun and if in fact
you do then I will shoot you in the fucking leg.
You bastard do you have a gun
<> No Geordie no
You shit face do you have a gun
<> No, no
Sir, get that young copper by the door over here
Right son search them bastards
Don’t worry I’ve got ye covered
<> Young Copper
He hasn’t got a gun
Well thank ye lucky star, ye can walk home
Now search the next bastard
Right you, have ye got a gun
<> No
Have any of you fuckers got guns
<> Geordie, Geordie, don’t shoot me
Aye, aye and why would I want to shoot you?
<> I’ve got a gun
And where the fuck is it?
<> In my pocket
What fucking pocket
<> Inside coat pocket
What fucking side
<> Left
Here son, are those bastards clear
<> Clear
Right you fucking lot after the bastard with the gun squeeze
up into the corner, right son get that gun off that fucker, I’ve got ye
covered. Any wrong move bastards and
I’ll blow ye fucking head off.
Get a couple more young coppers over here sir.
<> Young copper:
How can we help?
Any of you two handle a gun before?
<> I have
What about you
<> A few times
Well here is your next time, take that gun, it’s loaded,
keep ye finger on the trigger guard, cover your mate searching while I check
the other guns on the bar.
Click
Another bastard loaded
Can you load a gun?
<> Young copper
No
Well here we go
Watching?
<> Yeah
Round back in mag
Mag in pistol grip
Click, click
Loaded
There ye go
And remember
Finger on trigger guard
And any false move from any of them bastards then just plug
them in the head
Up for it?
<> Yeah
Well carry on
Now than you wankfest shit faced bastards any more for any
more?
Any more guns bastards?
Oh you bastards, there better not be
Right Sir, manger where are we in the film show, oh right
the bastard near the door.
As you can see Sir, he walks through the door and would you
believe it he draws a gun almost immediately. You cannot hear what is said and
to tell the truth after all these shenanigans I cannot remember myself but
watch him pull the gun up and there ye go, popped right in the fucking head.
To be continued: